[review] The Mammoth Book of Paranormal Romance

[darlingfox]

The Mammoth Book of Paranormal Romance

edited by Trisha Telep
24 short stories/paranormal romances by various authors


So, I threatened promised to post a review once I'd read this book and behold, here it is. Late because life happened.

Paranormal romance as a genre has become really popular lately, partly (mostly?) because of Stephenie Meyer's novels. I read this because I wanted to know why women read these kinds of stories. I'd heard that these have strong female characters and interesting romances, and I have nothing against either of those. I went through all the trouble of reviewing every story both for my own amusement and because I figured that someone might want to read this. There'll be plenty of SPOILERS for the stories.



The Temptation of Robin Green by Carrie Vaughn

The heroine is a research assistant in the Center for the Study of Paranatural Biology. This means that she's a zookeeper who feeds legendary creatures like vampires and werewolves. Interestingly, the one seducing her is a male selkie, not a vampire. The heroine is a virgin in her early twenties and, surprisingly, doesn't spend too much time angsting over it. It still annoyed me that her virginity was a problem.

The story wasn't what I was excepting, especially the ending, and I wished that it would've been longer. The premise for the romance and the world was interesting. I would've liked to see more interactions between Robin and the creatures, and the twisted and selfish "relationship" between her and the selkie. There's also the fact that the scientists had captured intelligent creatures and then studied and imprisoned them like animals. It would've been nice to see what Robin thought of that, but I suppose you can't do much in 19 pages.


Succubus Seduction by Cheyenne McCray

When the POV character says that his body just turned into "one horny sex machine", you can safely bet that I snort. There was also one crystal tear on the heroine's cheek and other clichés you see in badfics.

Succubus Lilin (yeah, really subtle naming there) has been ordered to seduce Archer Dane. Will she succeed or not? Spoiler: no, for a reason that made me roll my eyes. Pity, because the parts where Lilin tried to get him into bed were the best, not that that's saying much.

What annoyed me the most was that a confident and seductive Succubus became a clumsy and innocent housewaifu when she got together with a man. Seriously, the i-word was used several times. Because obviously every woman just wants to cook a dinner for her manly man.


Paranormal Romance Blues by Kelley Armstrong

I liked this one!

The half-demons Mel and Tiffany are cruising for hot guys and decide to drop in a "vampire bar". Turns out that this is, in fact, a bit of criminal story what with the murderer and all.

This has the best prose of the three stories I've read so far and a protagonist I really liked. She has the right attitude re: anything paranormal, and she's damn funny. I guess I have thing for the so called sassy heroines.

As I discovered, it really was a support group - a place for half-demons to angst about the nasty blow life dealt them.

Blow? Hello, super powers? They should have been celebrating winning the genetic lottery.

John Doe by Anna Windsor

The heroine's name is Dutch Brennan. I so didn't expect that.

So here's Dutch, working in a Psychiatric Hospital and celebrating her lonely 30th birthday, when the police drag in a handsome stranger with "liquid emerald eyes". Next thing we know, a weird fire-thingy attacks, John Doe has wings and a sword, Dutch spends a night with him and is in ~*~love~*~ (at first sight~). Oh, and turns out that she's a half-angel.

I wouldn't recommend this to anyone. Even the prose was bad with really short sentences and said liquid/molten/what-have-you emerald eyes.

But this made clear why Succubus Seduction had two third-person narrators. Man, it's awkward to describe your appearance in first person. Vaughn and Armstrong were also sensible enough to let the readers decide what Robin and Mel looked like: there were hints but no direct descriptions.


Taking Hold by Anya Bast

It's a cold winter, and nurse Lily and the lone wolf Mac are searching for a young werewolf Casey. As you might guess, the ice is thin and Lily falls into the lake. Humans are, as always, bastards and try to kill both Casey and Mac, and the latter saves Lily again

This was a very bland story. Bast tries to make us feel sympathy for Lily by creating an angsty past for her (abusive ex-husband etc.), but it's just a cheap way to justify the human/werewolf relationship. Humans and werewolves can't breed with each other but since Lily can't have children anyway, it's all right to get together with Mac! In other words, women who can't have children should choose men who can't or don't want to have children. God forbid they take a fertile man out of the gene pool.

Also, this was another story with two POVs. It probably tells something about the writing that first I didn't even notice that the POV had changed.


How to Date a Superhero by Jean Johnson

You just know the story has superheroes when the outfits sound like they're from a fabulous drag queen show. Silver-gloved hands, blue-clad arms, red-and-silver limbs, nearest blue arm, blue-and-silver mask, body in orange-and-silver and violet-and-silver chest. And that was just the first page.

Unfortunately the story is just as dull and stupid as the above list. Taking Hold was Very Exciting compared to this even though it lacked superheroes and spandex.

Said heroes never do anything heroic. In the first half they have a meeting and in the second the heroine and hero talk about their feelings. I'm not entirely sure, but I think that the latter conversation took place in a public toilet. You'd think that superheroes would keep their mouths shut where someone might hear them but getting into each other's pants is clearly more important. Batman would be ashamed.

Something that bothered me quite a bit was the hero's ethnicity. Apparently his mother is Korean and father Filipino, but the hero "knows that he doesn't look like it". Also, his name is Rio Sanchez. WTF? I know that sometimes parents give crazy names to their children, but why on earth would Asian parents have a child called Rio Sanchez? And if Johnson wanted him to be something else than white, why can't he look like it? Now he's... what, a white man called Rio Sanchez who was born from Asian parents?


Daniel by C.T. Adams & Cathy Clamp

There were two things that I noticed: the authors didn't give a backstory to anyone, and the heroine had a career she didn't want to give up. I liked the latter a lot but the former annoyed me greatly.

How did Karen and Daniel meet? Why does Karen know about vampires while no one else does? All the other stories gave some kind of a history or context for the supernatural, but not this one. I didn't like it. The story would've worked just as well (well. hah.) with a random creepy stalker instead of a some kind of a master vampire.

However, it was refreshing to see a heroine who actively did something and refused to be protected by the extremely boring vampire hero. Too bad that the story was so... separate from everything (I have this mental image of it floating in an empty space) that my interest was purely superficial.


Light Through Fog by Holly Lisle

While I was reading this one, I found out that my new cell phone has sudoku and played 30 levels. It probably tells a lot.

Sam is dead and Sarah has been left with two sons. Woe is her, angst angst angst, and wow, is that her dead husband in a tree house? It's not, it's a parallel universe version of him from a world where Sarah died instead of him. The rest is basically an extremely boring summary of the rest of her life (alone I wander/waiting for the moonlight/treehouse is near). And then they died and walked together towards the light. I wish I was kidding.

Oh, and the most offending part: she sleeps with the other Sam in the first night they meet, right after the original Sam's funeral, and gets pregnant. Original Sam has had vasectomy and instead of believing that it failed (as, you know, happens in real life) and that he was her True and Eternal Love (something the reader hears every five words), everyone thinks that she cheated on him. Her parents and friends, and even the doctor who said that the child could've been conceived before Sam died. Maybe the author was trying to say something about her own friends.


The Tuesday Enchantress by Mary Jo Putney

It took me several pages to realize that the narrator was a man and not a woman called Charlie. This tells two things: one, I have certain expectations of the genre and the narrator being a woman is one of them. Two, Putney makes Charlie sound like a typical paranormal romance woman.

So, Charlie and his BFF Rajiv (an Indian, not a white person with a random ethnic name) are sitting in a deli (owned by Rajiv's grandparents, what do you mean, a stereotype?) when a hot woman walks in. Charlie, who is a soon-to-be doctor/Guardian (don't ask, I don't know), falls in love at first sight. Then random robbers shoot Rajiv (of course the white and magical folks save him) and try to rob the store. Two hours later, Charlie has successfully convinced Maggie that they're meant to be.

Charlie is, in fact, a manipulative bastard whose hobbies seem to include prying into hot women's minds. He's only sorry because he was caught. He also follows Maggie to her house and manages to convince her that he loves her, not her hot body. But the cherry on top is that Maggie is an enchantress who attracts men just like that. She's surprised that Charlie wants her even though she turned the magic off. Hello, she's hot! Like I'm going to believe that men don't want her.


Trinity Blue by Eva Silver

This one has a completely useless prologue but other than that, it's pretty good. Silver was probably aiming for "and finally he finds acceptance and love" with the prologue, but it didn't really play any part in the rest of the story and, frankly, it was a boring beginning.

Daemon Alexander is... something, even he doesn't know. Magical and at least 200 years old, but not a sorcerer or a demon. Jen Cassaday has injured her leg (she actually uses crutches most of the time and they really are an inconvenience) and needs someone to paint her house. As everyone can guess, Deamon waltzes in while hunting demons and by an amazing coincidence, a dead and mutilated woman is found after that.

What I liked the most was that Jen and Deamon didn't fall in love at first sight. They were attracted to each other, but they had ordinary, friendly dinners and talked about ordinary things. Like most people do. They both had secrets and neither one spilled them out the moment they had sex. It was also nice that while Jen needed help in order to get rid of the demon (the usual "and together they fight crime" scene), there was a proper reason for it.


Grace of Small Magics by Ilona Andrews

The title is a horrible and inaccurate pun.

So, there's a woman called Grace who (thinks she) has only little bit of magic and who's just learned that her family has been a slave to another family for a hundred years. Now Grace has been called to service. She has to take part in a competition with Nassar: either they win or Nassar's family dies.

Grace has same problems many of the Mary-Sue characters have. Everyone likes her! We're told that everything in this magical world is new and scary but she never acts like it. We're told that her family is a bunch of servants but no one treats her like one. For example, instead of just ordering her to follow him, Nassar lets her whole family free and then Grace chooses to fight with him. Do you want to know why? Because Nassar is hot she wants to protect the wee children of the family!

Incidentally, the whole competition happens because Nassar's aunt ran away from her abusive husband who, among other things, broke their young son's legs. Yeah, Andrew's laying it really thick.


Once a Demon by Dina James

I wish that authors would remember one rather important fact: people with split throats are very unlikely to confess their love while they die. Unless you count "gurglegurgleguu" as a meaningful and romantic confession, of course.

Basically this is a wangst-fest of Kyle, the son of Lucifer. That's right, this story takes the cake by making the main character not only a demon but a Satan's first son turned something-resembling-a-human. Called Kyle. The unfortunate woman who has to listen to him is Katrina, the wife of Kyle's friend Nikolai (who conveniently disappears to do something important).

The only thing I liked about this whiny story was the ending where it's implied that if Satan had only asked Kyle to give up the woman he claimed to love, Kyle would've done that in a heartbeat. It's also implied that Katerina should run fast and far while she's still able to do so.

The story also included several sentences so misogynist that I wanted to set the book on fire.

Nikolai had made Katrina immortal when they'd married, but thankfully he hadn't made her a vampire or given her any ethereal powers.

Thankfully?!

[Kyle is speaking to Katrina about Nikolai] "It pleases me to see that he hasn't gone the way of Dominic by having you sit as his right hand on the council."

Because women should stay home, between the stove and the fist. [/sarcasm]


Night Vision by Maria V. Snyder

During her nightly motorbike ride, Sophia saves a federal agent Mitch from slave traders. She takes her home to patch him up and is forced to reveal that she's blind in any bright-ish light but can see in the dark. In order to escape a life as a government's blind assassin, she lives alone far away from big cities. Together, they have to save Mitch's sister and other young, supernaturally gifted girls.

This story was all right. Overall a bit boring but much better than the last one (not that it's difficult). It was more about the adventure than the romance, and both characters were readable enough. Sophia needed encouragement to return to society, but she did make the decision herself, and apparently went through all the following difficulties all by herself. Instead of being totally awesome and win all around, her ability is a disability that makes her life difficult.


Pele's Tears by Catherine Mulvany

Noelani hires Dillon, who I think is a PI, to investigate her grandmother's death. The official records say it was a suicide, but Noelani doesn't believe it. Turns out that the granny had made a deal with the goddess Pele: die and give Pele her black tears (gemstones), and return to the last days of granny's husband. Oh, and the romance? Noelani and Dillon were friends with a crush when they were young, but the mean granny separated them. Of course, they're still in love with each other, ten or so years after the fact.

I don't understand why this is such a popular trope. How many people are still in love with their first crush, especially if they haven't seen each other in years? I guess it can happen, but I remember my first crush and I sure as hell am not in love with him anymore. This trope implies that the lovebirds still know each other inside out. People grow and change, and no one's the same person at 30 as they were at 14.

The supernatural aspect reminded me of xxxHolic what with a changing photograph and all. I almost expected that the granny was a murderer and Pele demanded her life as a payment. A killer granny would've been more interesting than longing-after-my-late-husband granny.


Pack by Jeaniene Frost

Another werewolf story.

Alone in the woods, Marlee is chased and bitten by wolves. She wakes up to a broken ankle, a hot werewolf Daniel and the possibility that she's a werewolf too. Of course she is, and the man responsible for it is shot to death in front of her eyes for infecting her. Marlee tries to escape but Daniel doesn't allow that because a) she wouldn't know what to do when she turned into a wolf and b) you guessed it, she's his chosen mate.

There were bits I liked, like Marlee saying that while Daniel had taken her other options away, it was still her choice to (not) sleep with him. I didn't like the old chosen mate scenario (why does it have to be destiny instead of falling in love because they like each other?), but I guess it's to be expected in a story dealing with werewolves. At least Marlee isn't an infant. *cough*Twilight*cough* The author tries to portray the werewolves as animalistic creatures what with the painful punishments and all, but it falls flat. It doesn't feel wild and beastly, it feels like ordinary humans being violent and cruel.

This also made me wonder why, in these kind of stories (not always paranormal), the woman always has to stay with a man. In this case, the town has several other women who could take care of Marlee, but she just has to stay with Daniel. Were it me, I'd at least ask to stay with the women as one can never be sure when a strange man isn't going to listen to a no.

But the bit I hated the most? The author comparing werewolves to Jews. I guess it made some sense in the context, but it felt really tacky.


When Gargoyles Fly by Lori Devoti

Well, this was different. Gargoyles instead of vampires and werewolves. Mind, if you google gargoyles, you're not going to find handsome men, you're going to find grotesque things shaped vaguely like men.

So, Kami (who doesn't seem to Japanese despite her name) likes big blocks of stone and enjoys clinging on apartment buildings while fondling statues. Well, something like that anyway. She accidentally awakens a gargoyle called Mord. Apparently he's meant to be gorgeous but frankly, he sounds like one of those extreme bodybuilders or Detritus the troll. Kami was hired to carve a new gargoyle (or rather, a chimera) and then for a reason I don't understand, the man who hired her tries to kill her. You'd think that he would've let her finish the job first.

Anyway, this is yet another love at first sight story. Gargoyles aren't supposed to have feelings (but Mord falls for Kami). They know each other for one night and don't even talk that much (and yet they're in love)!

I actually have an alternative ending for this in my mind. Kami is indeed mentally fragile which explains the falling in love thing. Mord is new to feelings so he thinks he's in love. After the story ends, they travel around the world so that Kami can wake up other gargoyles. She thinks he's in love with her, but actually he's just using her. She'll be a pet and a tool for the gargoyles, carving new ones while Mord keeps her happy for his species sake.


The Lighthouse Keeper and His Wife by Sara Mackenzie

If a strange man I see in my dreams appears in my bedroom in the middle of the night, I'm not going to hum happily and have sex with him. Just saying.

Izzy dreams of a lighthouse keeper who died a century ago. Meanwhile, said keeper, Zek, is given an opportunity to live again and gain back his honor and reborn wife. Yeah. So they meet and it's all "I still love you! I've loved you all my life, man of my dreams!". Then they go back in time, save a ship from a monster and live happily ever after.

The thing is, this plot is stupid because it makes Zek the hero when he isn't. When he was younger, he almost drowned but was saved by Neptune, who gave him life in exchange for anything Neptune wanted. Ungrateful bastard as he is, Zek refused to give up his wife and doomed a ship full of people to their deaths. Then we get a flimsy explanation that makes Neptune the bad guy: Neptune said he was willing to exchange the wife for the ship (something he didn't have to do since Zek already owed him) but didn't actually mean it.

But wait, Zek didn't know this when he was forced to choose! Once again, the hero chooses his beloved over so many other lives. If I ever end up writing a similar situation, the hero will either choose the world or doom it by choosing his loved ones over it. No escapes and certainly no surprise!gods who are on the hero's side.


Blood Song by Lynda Hilburn

Does this remind you of anything?

After exploring the human female's room, he found himself strangely reluctant to leave. He tucked a wicker rocking chair from the corner to the side of her bed and sat, watching her sleep.

Yeah, I thought so.

Edward Ethan is a vampire who saves Bella Grace from another vampire. There's something special about Bel- Grace, and Edwa- Ethan follows her around. He feels more human with her, and she gives him a spark of life with her singing. Did I mention that she cures cancer by singing? I'm just surprised that her tears don't cure AIDS.

Or maybe they do.


The Princess and the Peas by Alyssa Day

This was a stupid story.

Lucy is a servant who, if this were a more realistic story, would be whipped daily for her rudeness. A beautiful Fae Lord comes to the castle and, much to his surprise, wants nothing more than friendship with her. This is because she's actually his long lost niece who eventually gets together with a guardsman. There's also a stupid Magda the pig keeper joke that runs through the story.

Told like that, it doesn't sound so bad. It's just that this is yet another story where alpha men use feeble women. A Fae is insulted by a princess? Why, it's his right to bed her as long as he wants to and then abandon her! Ian the guardsman is supposed to be dreamy, but if you ask me, he's a chauvinist pig.


At Second Bite by Michelle Rowen

Julia is in a club when a strange man approaches her and tells her that she's his reincarnated soul mate. She rightly thinks that he's batshit insane, but the man doesn't give up because a witch told him where to find her. Evan is a vampire and proves this by getting all fang-y and accidentally biting Julia. She then does a quite sensible thing:

"Do you believe [that you're my soul mate]?" he asked.

She nodded. "I believe."

His pleased expression shattered as she kneed him in the groin, pushed away from him, and ran screaming out of the club.

Unfortunately Henry, Evan's brother, is waiting outside with a big knife. He wants to kill Julia because in her past life, she was an evil bitch from hell.

I actually liked this one because Julia is smart and doesn't believe the brothers. At first anyway and even in the end she's not sure whether to believe this whole soul mate business or not.


Blue Crush - A Weather Warden story by Rachel Caine

This seems to be a short story about established characters and world. The main characters are together already and while the paranormal elements are explained, I got the feeling that I should know them already. I'll give the author credit: it was perfectly possible to read this without any prior knowledge of her other novels.

Joanne the Weather Warden (some kind of an elemental mage) and her lover, David the Djinn, are on a beach just for fun. A group of brainless muscles try to harass them, and Jo shows them where the chicken pees from. David isn't too happy about this because in his opinion, sometimes you should just walk away from a fight. Then the couple has to save a girl from drowning and two murderous merpersons.

That's about it but I was entertained enough. I like women with spirit and Jo was independent and strong. David wasn't a macho alpha male either: he's not afraid that Jo'd get hurt in a fight, he just thinks that fighting over meaningless things is stupid.


The Wager - A Lords of Avalon story by Sherrilyn Kenyon

This is the second story which uses a world the author has used elsewhere. This is also an incredibly stupid story and I don't know how it ended up in a book about romances.

There's no romance. There's a guy writing a memoir (maybe, this was really confusing and I don't know whether he was writing or just thinking about it) of an "accident" that landed him in a supernatural prison. He had hots for a woman who saved him from a dragon and took him to Avalon. To thank her, the man later published the story even though he wasn't supposed to say anything to anyone. The woman was rightly pissed off and locked him up until she'd cool down. That was several centuries ago.

A stupid and confusing story, waste of time and pages.


In Sheep's Clothing by Meljean Brook

Sometimes it's so easy to tell what kind of a paranormal element a story will have.

A serial-rapist and murderer sets traps for young women. Too bad he didn't take into account that Emma is a werewolf. She bites his thumb off and infects him, and the rest is about catching the criminal before he attacks someone else. Emma works together with sheriff Nathan and reveals her true nature to him.

It's not quite as clichéd as you might think. Emma and Nathan have known each other for years but Emma wanted to learn to control her wolf and then tell him about it before anything romantic could happen. This was a more equal relationship than some of the stories have had: Emma was allowed to be active and even fight (at least as long as she was a wolf and honestly, if I were a cop with a gun, I'd tell the civilians to get out of the way too).


The Dream Catcher by Allyson James

If a society finds sex disgusting and something people don't have, why on earth would they pop girls' cherries in a clinic? In James's fantasy realm, this is just because her heroine's first time has to be special and painless. Please, that's so lame.

Anyway, Natalia lives in a society that does indeed think that sex is disgusting and animalistic. Of course Natalie wants to have sex and the others shun her because of it. Then some noble lady catches a Dream Catcher, a person who knows what others dream of and can make them feel like reality. There's the instant connection, "you are so hot, let's do it", and Natalia helps the Dream Catcher to escape. Then she goes after him and blah blah, fireworks everywhere.

I'm not sure what this story is meant to criticize, but it is meant to criticize something. People who don't want to have sex? The belief that women should be virgins until their wedding night? That women have been forced to hide their sexual wants and needs? It sure enforces the stereotype of an evil, jealous woman who's an enemy of the heroine while being very much like her (the woman who captures the Dream Catcher and wants to humiliate Natalia does it because she's afraid and ashamed of her own needs).


THE GLORIOUS END.


In conclusion: I think I'm too smart for most of paranormal romances and maybe romances in general. It sounds like I'm tooting my own horn, but most of these stories were so stupid. There were plot holes, clunky prose, ridiculous characters and even more ridiculous actions. There were a few stories I liked, but it was like finding a needle from a haystack.

I'm still not sure why women read these because it can't be the "romance" or the sex or the characters. I lose my faith in humanity and women if they really think that these are examples of good and entertaining literature. Sometimes reading these was like drinking tar.

For the lulz and comparison, check out what an amazon.com reviewer has said about the same stories. Apparently she's one of those people who read a lot of paranormal romances and love them.


People who read this and like romances: recommend me something! Something that isn't stupid, something that has women whose lives don't revolve around men and the need to have men and children, something that's actually good. I'll try to find and read it when I'll have time.